HUMOR
You recently got engaged, and honestly, good for you.
You’re part of that rarified echelon of people who have discovered a much more meaningful life experience through companionship.
You’ve found your one and only. You’re forever. That one special person.
The least aggravating of the people you have slept with.
However you guys came to be, let me be the first to offer my sincerest congratulations.
Now more than ever, time is of the essence. …
HUMOR
Two years ago my New Year’s resolution was to get more reading done.
At the time I knew that I wasn’t reading nearly as much as I wanted to, and my biggest obstacle was that I could never find enough time.
(Fast forward to now and BOY did I find that time I was looking for.)
In my low points during that time, I remember thinking to myself “I kind of miss being in school.”
As strange as it sounded, I missed being in a classroom and having to read novels like Grapes of Wrath, Crime and Punishment,Northanger Abbey, or…
SHORT STORY
Here’s what I think:
Writing for Medium must be like having a kid. Like having your first.
It’s the knowledge and excitement that comes with starting something new. You have these lofty expectations, like this time you’re going to do it right.
Not to say that your parents did it wrong.
You love them and they did the best they could, but your child won’t ever have to get to a point where they need to forgive their parents because you’re going to do it right.
And so you baby proof the house. …
HUMOR
It was time for me to go see him again.
I lay myself down, closed my eyes and gaped my mouth as far wide as it could go. That’s when he knew to begin, and he entered me inch by inch.
My jaw strained and the back of my throat grew tired, but still I kept open for him letting him do what he needed to do.
When I was younger I didn’t much understand what was going on. All that I knew was that I liked the tickling sensation whenever he probed inside my mouth.
Despite nearly being the…
HUMOR
“We need to leave soon.”
The first time he broke his nose, it did not completely shatter as he had expected.
Taylor stood in front of the mirror peeling off his bandages while testing the strength of his recently healed nasal bone against the cold, hard steel of a Estwing Claw Hammer.
He switched to a different pose and imagined this time his face being completely disfigured, examining it from angle to angle.
“We’ll go in a minute. Just give me a second ”
As he stood in the mirror he was reminded of a movie he had seen a few years back about some…
WRITING
I’d Be Nothing Without
Over the last few weeks I’ve noticed a change in the dynamic of how I interact with what I’ve written.
No longer is the focus about sharing or putting out something enjoyable, the focus has now shifted to “How many people have read my story?” or “What are my numbers looking like today?”.
I can’t say for certain when it started, but as of late I only get on Medium to check my stats.
I look to see my views, my earnings, which stories are doing well, which stories are lagging and then I log out.
On one hand, keeping…
HUMOR
It Comes a Lot Easier than You Think
It’s always around this time of year that I realize that Christmas is a lot closer than I think it is.
It’s also around this time of year that I realize that I haven’t done ANY Christmas shopping.
Despite all the times that I’ve been dragged to the malls and paraded through the outlets, I never have any idea on what to get people when it comes time for the holidays.
And there’s no excuse for it.
Nine times out of ten people have already told me specifically what they want for Christmas and where to get it, but I…
Fortunately for me, I had the pleasure of being both.
Khaki pants and an overactive bladder are a bad combination.
Imagine, if you will, a garden hose.
Let’s say it was a summer day and you were out watering the plants. Or maybe, you were out with your dad helping him wash the car.
Imagine the fun of unraveling the hose, screwing on the different nozzles, and turning on the faucet. Almost like putting together a puzzle.
If you’re anything like I was as a child, you’d bend the hose back against itself, stopping the flow of water before letting it go again to see the water come gushing back…
HUMOR
“Pony” was only the beginning
Ever since I saw Magic Mike I’ve had this fantasy of moving down to Florida for a summer, getting an apartment, changing my name, and every night for three months straight getting on stage and getting naked.
Some kids want to go to summer camp, others want to do an internship for the summer.
My dream job for the summer? To be a stripper.
I remember I met a guy working a job at a restaurant who said he stripped down in Georgia to pay his way through college.
I knew that if he could do it, I could do…
